Resilience: The True Source Of Lasting Happiness
Goodboy Picture Company
Many of us spend our entire lives in search of happiness—only to find that it never truly arrives. We do everything that we think we are supposed to do and chase degrees, jobs, money, and success. We pursue the next milestone, thinking that’s when we will be happy but end up feeling that it is never enough. The endless chase leaves us feeling empty, frustrated, and exhausted. Maybe this wasn’t the path to happiness after all. Here is what the research shows.
Happiness is “the experience of joy, contentment, or positive well-being, combined with a sense that one’s life is good, meaningful, and worthwhile.” Studies show that the happiest people often have:
Fit and healthy bodies
Realistic goals and expectations
Positive self-esteem
Feelings of control
Optimism
Outgoingness
Supportive relationships that allow companionship and confiding
Challenging work and active leisure, punctuated by sufficient rest and retreat
A faith that entails communal support, purpose, self-acceptance, outward focus, and hope
Happiness involves being aware not only of the positive events in our lives but also of our ability to create them and control their occurrence. It also involves being aware of our ability to prevent negative events from occurring. This sense of control over both the good and bad events in our lives is key to happiness. Additionally, realizing that we are in control of our thoughts, feelings, and reactions—and that no one can make us feel a certain way—is a crucial part of becoming a happy person.
Given that 50% of happiness is attributed to genetics, 10% to life circumstances, and 40% to personal choices, there is a lot that we can do to influence our happiness. We are all born with a particular baseline level of happiness. After experiencing the highs and lows of positive and negative events, we tend to adapt over time, and our emotions return to that baseline level. This tendency is called hedonic adaptation, also known as the hedonic treadmill, and it helps explain why continually chasing the next big thing doesn’t lead to lasting happiness. Slowing or halting the adaptation process helps happiness last. Two anti-adaptation tools are variety and appreciation. Variety is indeed the spice of life, as we don’t get used to positive events when our experiences are new or unexpected. Unlike adaptation, appreciation involves an active effort to notice, savor, and experience gratitude for something, which can prolong and even increase happiness.
Enjoying the journey is important, as it’s the anticipation of achieving a goal—not the achievement itself—that is most rewarding. Working towards a goal and making progress towards its attainment not only activates positive emotions but also suppresses negative emotions such as fear. However, no amount of achievement will bring lasting happiness if we aren’t living by our values. Research shows that meaningfulness is more important to employees than any other aspect of work, including pay and rewards, opportunities for promotion, or working conditions. A 2021 study from the University of Pennsylvania found that, on average, larger incomes are associated with increasing levels of happiness—suggesting that money does matter, but it's not the whole story. Researcher Matthew Killingsworth, PhD, explains, “The exception is people who are financially well-off but unhappy. For instance, if you’re rich and miserable, more money won’t help. For everyone else, more money was associated with higher happiness to somewhat varying degrees.” Researcher Barbara Mellers, PhD, adds, “The function differs for people with different levels of emotional well-being,” she says. Specifically, for the least happy group, happiness rises with income until $100,000, then shows no further increase as income grows. For those in the middle range of emotional well-being, happiness increases linearly with income, and for the happiest group, the association accelerates above $100,000.” When it comes to spending money, research shows that people derive more happiness from experiences than material possessions.
We can learn a lot about happiness from The Harvard Study of Adult Development, an 85-year study that began in 1938 and is the longest-running longitudinal study of adult life. When the participants were interviewed in their 80s, their proudest achievements had to do with relationships—being a good parent, partner, friend, or mentor. The happiest people were not workaholics who neglected their relationships. “Those people were some of the saddest folks in our study and were filled with regret when they were in their 80s and we asked them to look back on their lives,” Dr. Waldinger adds. In the end, close relationships were what kept people happy, healthy, and living longer. They protect our health by helping us manage stress. Without supportive relationships, our body stays in fight-or-flight mode, leading to elevated stress hormones and inflammation, which can negatively affect different body systems.
While happiness supports better health, our brains are not naturally wired to focus on the positive. The negativity bias is a cognitive bias that biologically predisposes us to pay more attention to negative information than positive information. This evolutionary adaptation helped our ancestors survive in their environments, but nowadays, it can lead to fear and anxiety that undermine our health and well-being. In fact, anxiety is the most common mental health condition. Psychologist and author Rick Hanson, PhD, says, “the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.” He also notes, “The worse a person’s life is, the more important it is to find and feel authentically positive emotions—including joy.” We must make a deliberate and conscious effort to experience and appreciate the positive aspects of life to counteract the negativity bias. Dr. Hanson’s research on positive neuroplasticity shows that we can compensate for the negativity bias and hardwire happiness into our brains by “taking in the good.” This process involves having a positive experience, which activates positive emotions such as happiness in the brain. It then involves enjoying the positive experience, as absorbing it allows for it to be installed into the brain. We will eventually develop a new habit of positive experiencing that rewires our brain and increases our awareness and savoring of the good things in our lives.
Mindfulness is also a powerful tool for cultivating happiness. It is the practice of focusing on the present moment and observing thoughts and emotions without judgment. The practice can be developed in daily life and through meditation. It can be particularly helpful in managing negative emotions. Negative emotions are normal and transient, serving the purpose of motivating us for change. Accepting our emotions, rather than resisting or suppressing them, helps to lessen their power. Over time, mindfulness helps us develop a more balanced state of mind, greater equanimity, and increased positive emotions. Living in the present moment liberates us from ruminating about the past and worrying about the future. Through the acceptance of ourselves and our lives in the present, we come to experience greater happiness and well-being. Ultimately, we are in control of our lives and our happiness. We have the power to choose happiness at any moment and any day. We don’t need to wait or search for it—it is within us.